We both had wounds that needed to heal before we entered this relationship, yet we got into it thinking that we could figure it out. I can name all of the moments where you hurt me, you broke my trust, you questioned my worth, and you undervalued me-but it's okay I share responsibility for them, too. Part of my healing process involved going back and analyzing you, our relationship, and myself. The hardest part was realizing that it was over longer than the last eight months, and that perhaps for you it didn't even exist and was confused with something else. At that point, everyone was aware that I was hurt.Īfter eight years of marriage, I finally was able to accept that it was over. I couldn't wear my engagement ring and wedding band anymore, as the vows you made were broken. However, unlike you, I have always been brave about sharing my feelings, my scars, and my experiences, because those are what make me human. I was ashamed of people looking at me like I was pathetic. I didn't sleep or eat for days, I was a zombie at work, and I cried day and night. Later in this journey, I hit rock bottom. I have always been brave about sharing my feelings, my scars, and my experiences, because those are what make me human. Now I can say that California was just the excuse we were using for our underlying issues. I know you think I chose California, but that is not the case. As you know now, I did change I chose me. Most importantly, change should only come if you are changing for yourself, not to try to please someone else. I was wrong change should only come if you are changing for the better. I have come to realize that men might pretend to be honest and blunt, but when they are faced with a difficult situation, they are likely to run and hide.Īs I was trying to save our relationship, over and over again I tried to negotiate who I was and commit to changing myself. I do not blame you for this behavior, though. What I want you to understand is that I just wanted to have a real conversation and for you to be honest about the things I discovered. When I moved into the anger phase, I know I bombarded your phone with text messages.

I just wanted to have a real conversation and for you to be honest about the things I discovered. Yet, part of me still wanted us to make it work, as I did not get married to give up on us. I won't spend time addressing them here, but you know how disrespected, betrayed, and hurt you made me feel in the past. I was deeply hurt by the events that transpired during those months, but the truth is that there was more I was hurt by the accumulation of events over the last 10 years. I thought maybe it was just a difficult moment and we would get through it. But Allah! What has been traditional about our relationship?ĭuring my denial phase, I wondered what was going on. Unfortunately, I was not able to have the type of closure that “normal” couples have when going through separation and divorce. I still do not know if it was the things you said or the way you acted that caused the pain in my stomach and had me feeling as though it was the end. Every time you left me, it always felt like you were coming back, but the last time was different. In our 10-year relationship, distance was always a key factor.

I have been through all the phases of grief, through hell and back, and sometimes little things tried to open the wounds again. You left eight months ago and life has been quite a mess since then. It has taken me some time to put my scattered thoughts together.

I wrote this open letter to my ex-husband to explain how I feel, but also to let the world know what I've been hiding the last couple of months.

Am i still in love